life.

It's fucking confusing. all of it. i'm just confused all day every day. I hate it so much but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

I'm not in love with anyone anymore and no one is in love with me so I'm in this awkward place of being unloved and I have been for like the last year. After all this time I'm still barely okay with it. Fortunately I have learned to like myself on my own, without needing all those compliments and crap that I've always depended on men to give me. Fuck that. I'll only have me in the end anyways.

But who even cares about my small little dumb life in this huge hectic crowded world? There are certainly better things to be concerned with. I would like to be concerned about anything but myself but that's difficult in the world we live in today. I can't even handle all the thoughts in my head all the time. I'm constantly feeling overwhelmed. I can't be the only person like this. I know there's more. Why don't we talk about it? Why can't we have conversation about how messed up, lost, and confused we are? I don't want to have to hire a therapist for that. Can't someone just be real with me?

I'm not on drugs I promise. I'm scatter brained lately.

I'm going to go drink some white wine and forget I wrote this.

bye.

last friday night.

It's a friday night and I hate that I'm alone and that I'm not enjoying myself and that my hair looks perfect and no one is seeing it and that I only made $5. at work today and that everyone else is out getting drunk and I'm sober, but more than anything I hate that I have someone I could be doing so many things  with but I can't because he's 8 hours away from me. We can't go on dates every weekend. We can't kiss every day. This is getting so hard. But I love him too much to give up. This will work.

.

It's safe to say I absolutely despise myself.

the sun shines brighter when we're together, I swear

I miss having you so close to me I can match your breathing pattern, hear your heart beat.
I miss the butterflies-in stomach inducing feeling of your lips randomly meeting the top of my head while we're watching a movie or sleeping together.
and sleeping together, overall, is probably the thing I miss most. Being able to kiss you before drifting into   an 8 hour unconscious phase, and once I wake up I don't even need to open my eyes to know you're there, I can feel your warmth, I also snuggle into it more. 
It sucks not always having you here to spend all this time with. There's so much of it. I'd be so happy if your physical presence could continually grace at least 25% of it.
just come see me in jersey the next chance you get. please.

too many choices.

I'm so lost in all these different choices i have for what to do....with myself, with my life....
I just don't know.

every time you call me beautiful

I can feel my entire body smile<3

I just wanted to let you know....

I want to spend the rest of my life with you.♥

(and I know I will.)

I love you.

:)